Impatience Is A Timeline In Your Head
Startup leaders often ask me: Do I need to cultivate more patience or channel my impatience into driving the team to move faster?
I usually respond with this:
“Impatience is a timeline in your head--that the other person doesn’t share.”
That is my coaching gateway into all dilemmas and questions about whether impatience needs to be corralled or channeled. And how to know which path to use when.
Let’s start with a working definition for the emotion of impatience:
Impatience is an energy surge driven by other underlying emotions.
We feel impatient when it seems like someone isn’t moving fast enough
or when it seems like something isn’t happening fast enough.
Notice how the word “enough” is the clue that points to the existence of the timeline.
When you feel impatient, it is because there is a timeline in your head.
And this is what impatience sounds like (either in your head or when you lash out at others):
To your toddler: It should only take you 20 seconds to put on your socks. Not 2 whining-filled minutes!
To your loved one: It should only take you 2 mins to text me back and let me know what you want to eat for dinner tonight. Why have I not heard from you after 2 whole hours?
To your employee: It should only take you 2 hours to finish that task. Why did it take you 2 days?
To your co-founder: It should only take you 2 days to get back to me with your thoughts about Q4 strategy. Why are you telling me you need 2 weeks?
And these timelines, so clear and crisp and obvious in our heads, fool us into thinking they are real, true, indisputable and therefore shared.
But they are not.
Instead, the timelines reflect: our world view; our relationship with time; our bias; our perspective; our context; our emotions; our natural pace and rhythm. In other words, they reflect our way of being, thinking and acting in the world.
And that’s not a shared reality.
If you feel impatient often and want to stop discharging that energy on others:
First off -- when faced with your own resolutions or others’ exhortations to “be more patient” the typical response is a “grin and bear it suppression” of impatience. (I’m. Just. Not. Going. To. Get. Annoyed. At. You. For. Taking. So. Long. <Smile and Nod>)
And what happens to impatience suppressed? It coils like a spring, ready to explode the next time someone opens the lid.
This is how you actually cultivate patience AND channel impatience more effectively:
First, you separate the timeline, due dates and perceived time pressures in your head from those of the other person or people in the situation. You say out loud or write down this timeline that exists in your head and isn’t actually shared by the other person or people.
Once you do that, you then have a new set of choices in front of you:
Path 1 - You can unilaterally update or let go of the timeline in your head.
Path 2 - You can communicate and calibrate the timelineto ensure it becomes mutually accepted & truly shared.
The first path cultivates patience because it releases pressure. It eliminates expectations that evoke negative emotions. It changes your frame of mind of what’s really going on here. And what’s more important to pay attention to. And what success really looks like in this moment. (e.g., “This isn’t about us getting out the door at the time I wanted. This is about my toddler learning how to independently put on socks.”)
The second path channels the energy of impatience into a form that is more productive for you and others. (e.g., “Let’s synch up about timelines and expectations around quality for these next series of tasks. I want you to prioritize faster revs even if the analysis is raw or unfinished. How does hearing I want more iterations early on shift the timeline you’d use to get drafts to me?”
When you suppress your impatience it roils inside of you like a hot liquid. Then, when impatience leaks out of you it can explode like shards of hot stone that hurt, frustrate or distance the people around you.
But when you can dialogue with someone about a timeline in your head, the energy of your impatience forms into a molding clay: warm enough that it is still malleable, but cool enough to handle.
And once you calibrate and form something between the two of you, you will have increased shared context and you will usually feel better (i.e., more confident, less anxious) as well. In that form, the clay will dry solid and strong.
One layer deeper: As part of your process of disclosing the timeline in your head, you can also reflect on (and even disclose) the deeper emotions that are driving this impatience energy surge of yours.
What feelings are driving the impatience?
Fear? Shame? Anxiety? Resentment? Self-doubt? Helpless? Powerless? Lonely? Etc.
What unmet needs of yours might also be driving the impatience?
Agency? Respect? Control? Autonomy? Support? Belonging? Etc.
If you work with someone who often discharges their impatient energy on you:
1 - Can you recognize and accept that their impatient energy is not really about you, but more about the timeline in their head? This will help you to not feel as defensive or threatened by impatient displays from them, and instead move on to the next steps.
2 - Can you respond with inquiry to help elicit the underlying source of the impatient energy? You can ask questions like:
You seem on edge about this. What pressure do you feel under right now?
I am wondering if you’re feeling some time pressure here that I’m not aware of. What’s the timeline in your head for this task/project?
You seem frustrated about how long this is taking. What’s going on? What’s driving that frustration?
You seem activated. What am I missing here?
Hold on a second. How are you feeling right now?
It’s important to note, however, that simply using these questions as a script is insufficient...you have to be in an inquiry emotional state as well. (This is why step #1 comes first.) These questions can “sound” caring and inquisitive or the same words with a different tone+energy behind them can sound accusatory and inquisitional.
3 - And if this is an ongoing pattern or a more entrenched dynamic, you can wait for a cooler moment (i.e., not in the heat of the conflict, but near enough to the moment that they will remember the interaction) and then set a boundary and express a need for something different. To provide just one example, it could sound like this:
In the days leading up to our Board meetings, you often seem very impatient with how quickly we are compiling dashboards and analyses.
[Boundary] I need you to stop Slacking my team late at night with several staggered questions and instead route your questions through me in batches.
[Express A Need] My bigger ask here is for you to come up with some ways to channel your impatience energy when you feel it during those times. If I can help by proactively sharing more updates to set you at ease during that week leading up to the meeting, I can do that. And I need you to make some commitments as well to make our collaboration more smooth during these higher stress periods that will recur often. I need more trust + confidence that we can navigate these higher stress periods without also amping the interpersonal stress between us.
Anamaria Nino-Murcia
